The Boring Drone of an English Student

"Latin is a language
As dead as dead can be,
First it killed the Romans,
And now it's killing me"

1. If Latin is dead, how is it still killing people?

2. STFU NOOB.

Well, I got a card from work to-day. Not a, "it's been nice, but please leave our company immediately" kind of card, but the other kind, a Yuletide Card. And, unlike in foregone years, it hasn't been blank save for a speedily written, un-understandable form of my manager's signature. No, with the new management comes new practices, and new ways of loooking at the world. Not only did the card feature, in nice handwriting, the signatures of ALL the members of management, but it was addressed to me by name, and thanked me specifically for the jobroles I personally perform. Wow, way to go. It's stuff like this that helps moral. It's a shame, then, that only the very day before- yesterday- my boss pulled me up in front of all the staff, and proceeded to tell me that I was a workshy liar, and decided to patronise me when I pointed out, quite straightforwardly, that in fact all her allegations were false and also showed how they were false (I won't bore you with the specifics of the thing, just trust me: I was right, and she was wrong. Quite really).

Talk about mixed messages. And then they wonder why staff get demotivated. A cupple of weeks ago, they awarded a bottle of champagne to one of my student part-time colleagues for his Sterling work. Less than a week later, they effectively threatened to sack him when he asked if he could drop one of his shifts; that is, from three to two per week. They told him he could keep his shifts, increase his shifts, or leave the company. And let it be known they were, shall we say, rather frank in the way they put this to him. It is apparently, all-of-a-sudden, now against company rules to work less than three shifts a week. Strange, then, that in the same week they hired a new girl who would be working but one shift a week. Indefinitely. Hmmmm.

Has it already been a month since last I posted? Jesus. Well, as they say, time flies when you're, err, doing essays about advanced syntactic theory non-stop.... Drat you, Chomsky, DRAT YOU TO HELL.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sHKCNPAKnLE

Whooa, Whooa
Whooa, Whooa
[synth]Babby boys are back in town[/synth]
Whooa, Whooa
Whooa, Whooa
Whooa, Whooa
Whooa, Whooa

If you're alone and you need a hen,
Someone to help you get some problems,
Come along, honey, take my hand,
I'll be your scrubber to-night.

Whooa, Whooa
This is what I wanna do
Whooa, Whooa
[synth]Let's have some sprogs[/synth]
Whooa, Whooa
One-on-one just me on you
Whooa, Whooa

Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom!!
I want you in my womb!
Let's spend the night together, forever in my womb

Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom!!
I want a double room!
You and me together, forever in my womb!

Whooa, Whooa
[synth]Come on lover, let's get down[/synth]
Whooa, Whooa
[synth]To the cleaning job in town![/synth]

Whooa, Whooa
This is what I wanna do
Whooa, Whooa
[synth]Let's have some sprogs[/synth]
Whooa, Whooa
One-on-one just me on you
Whooa, Whooa

Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom!!
I want you in my womb!
Let's spend the night together, forever in my womb

Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom!!
I want a double room!
You and me together, forever in my womb!

Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom!!
I want you in my womb!
Let's spend the night together, forever in my womb

Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom!!
I want a double room!
You and me together, forever in my womb!

Whooa, Whooa
Whooa, Whooa
Whooa, Whooa
Whooa, Whooa

...

RIVERSIDE STUDIOS: DOUBLE BILL

Riverside Studios, “one of London’s flagship cultural centres” (according to The Observer), is in a quiet neighbourhood overlooking the Thames in Hammersmith. It’s a great little art-house, with stage and screen even, and art exhibits, and a lovely café and lounge areas. Sometimes the people involved in the productions even talk to playgoers afterwards.

Last night I went for a double bill screening of CSA: Confederate States of America and An Inconvenient Truth. I flashed my student card, and wham: £5.50 for over three hours of (great) cinema. Can’t say fairer than that.

First up was CSA. This is a scary look at a world where the South (Confederates) won the US civil war instead of the North (Unionists). Slavery is still legal, and apartheid exists in America. The film takes the form of a documentary which is punctuated with fake adverts for racist products, such as a QVC-like shopping channel where you can buy your own slaves.

Between films there was a half hour break, so I went back downstairs for some good nosh and a drink. The great thing is you aren’t made to watch both films. You can see one, the other, or both, and can go downstairs if you’re in need of refreshment. It’s all very laid back.

After the break, I went back upstairs for the second showing: An Inconvenient Truth. Al Gore (the former next president of the USA, as he jokes) takes us thru the damage we’re doing to our world, and then tells us what we can do about it. The film’s a deeply moving and beautifully crafted piece from director Davis Guggenheim. He surely deserves an Oscar for this masterwork. Best of all, the film isn’t some excuse for the Democrats to knock the Republicans; it’s actually fairly politically unbiased. As Gore says in this film, “this is ultimately not a political issue, but a moral one”.

Riverside is a great place for chilled out time. And it’s also very affordable. With frequent screenings of obscure and hard-to-see films, along with some great plays, Riverside is somewhere everyone should regularly check out. For more information, go to http://www.riversidestudios.co.uk/

CSA: CONFEDERATE STATES OF AMERICA

I love alternative history books and films. What if Hitler hadn’t invaded the Soviet Union? What if Napoleon had won at Waterloo? What if William the Conqueror lost the Battle of Hastings? How would the world be different? This is the exact question CSA: Confederate States of America confronts us with: What if the South (Confederates) had won the US civil war instead of the North (Unionists)?

CSA explores this idea thru a fake BBC documentary of American history in this alternative reality where the south won. In this reality, slavery still exists to-day, and the black rights movement never achieved lasting success.

Punctuating the film are fake adverts for racist products such as “darkie” toothpaste and a bizarre QVC-style shopping channel where slaves are up for auction. Delightfully, and somewhat scarily, we find out at the end of the film that most of the mentioned racist products were REAL products (such as “niggerhair cigarettes”, “darkie toothpaste”, and “samba car oil”).

The film is at times very funny. Sometimes this is down to hammy acting. Mostly, however, it’s intentional; the feel is very blackly comic.

My only gripe with the film, other than that the low budget sometimes shows thru, is I wonder just what writer-director Kevin Willmot was trying to do. It seemed too much like an excuse to knock southerners. As the film itself mentions, the Civil War actually had very little to do with slavery, and more to do with a disagreement over the rights of the states. Slavery would have ended up being abolished, anyway. So why is it we are presented with this stereotype of southerners as being a bunch of racist, bigoted fools? Why belabour an unfunny, old, and inaccurate portrayal of Americans from the southern states? Is it just so we can laugh at the ignorant hick (as usual)?

In any case, the film was none-the-less very entertaining. A brilliant idea which was implemented fairly well. I suggest, if you ever see it in the shops or at a local cinema, that you go watch it.

7/10

Okay, I'd written a few reviews which for some reason I still haven't posted up on this blog. Here they are.

BORAT: CULTURAL LEARNINGS FOR MAKE BENEFIT GLORIOUS NATION KAZAKHSTAN
Yakhshamersh. My name Cohen. I Jewish comedian who pretend to be Kazakh journalist. I embarrass many peoples. It’s niiiice.

Yes, Sacha Baron Cohen, the man behind wannabe Ali G (innit), and Kazakh journalist Borat (niiice), returns to the big screen four years after his debut Ali G: Indahouse. In Borat:CLoAfMBGNK [surely an award is due for the longest, stupidest subtitle in history -Ed], our favourite Kazakh journalist travels to America to make a documentary for his people back home.

The genius of the Borat character is that he takes all those fears most Brits and Yanks never even knew they had about the generic foreigner and combines them into a living, breathing realisation of our deepest nightmares. He’s misogynistic, homophobic, anti-Semitic, and sexually perverted, with broken English, broken morals, and a serious lack of “polite discretion”. And in this guise, Cohen has managed to pull some great stunts for the show, such as getting an American hunter to talk of how the Nazis were on the right track with their final solution. The film is more of the same. But times ten.

As the posters proclaim, this film is “outrageous”. In fact, that word doesn’t do it justice. I have never, ever seen such a delight in the grotesque and bodily as there is in Borat. However, it isn’t a mean kind of gross-out film. So even if you don’t like Tom Green or the Wayans Brothers, you’ll probably still soil yourself.

Basically, Borat’s a mixture of satire and gross-out, and a pretty potent mixture at that. Watch it.

8/10

Well, yesterday whilst I was at work, a smart man in a suit casually strolled in, nicked the poppy appeal collection box, and casually strolled out. My manager went racing to the car and shot after the thief. Unfortunately, he lost him. By the way, don't ask me why my manager decided to shoot after the guy, but there we are.

Anyway, it's in the Mail to-day, if you're interested at all. Look at it and go, "Hey! That guy I barely know who has a blog I hardly read, he works there!!".

Read all about it.

I went to sleep at around 1am last night, and I woke up.. half an hour ago at a quarter to three (pm). Shit. I hate it when that happens. Why, Bryan, why!? Why did you have to sleep in so long? Aaaargh!! Well, that's that day knackered.

Yeah, I have mixed feelings about this one (as always).

It was early in the morning,
Not long after sunrise,
That I was trudging to my workplace,
Crusty sleep in eyes;

My sagging head was lowly hung,
My face was bleak and wan,
And then at once bold in my path
Was stood a gleaming swan;

A mother warding her dear child
Destroyed my pensive mood,
The swanling doddled ‘tween her legs
Canal bank grass for food.

Her breast was out, her neck was stiff,
Her eyes that shone were keen,
Her form was strong, unmoving
Save her eyes that had me seen,

And nearer by a couple glid
So calm, and peaceful, free,
With pink mouths ope and trumpetting
Their happy song to me,

And there! My gloomy wallow was forgot
As joy and bliss and truth begot.